Til It’s Gone

Many deaths occur in the wake of your spouse’s untimely passing. There’s the death of your future plans, the death of your dreams for your life together, and the death of living life side-by-side on the oft- mundane, daily basis.

And it doesn’t end there.

It’s the death of the tiny, inconsequential things, too. Things that somehow seem big to me now. Things like: who else but him knows how many packets of Splenda I shake into my tall latte? (Six).

He’d swing by Starbucks, order my latte just the way I like it, and pop into our bedroom on Saturday mornings with my caffeine fix–and often a slice of their chocolate chip banana bread–in hand. It was basically our ritual, and I adored it.

B did innumerable sweet gestures for me like that; I always appreciated them, in that warmed, yet fleeting way you appreciate a kindness your spouse has shown you. You may give them an affectionate squeeze or a smooch and express gratitude. But then you move about your day, these small moments getting lost in the shuffle, lost in the hustle and bustle of life.

I can’t convey just how much I miss those acts of kindness B did for me. I will say that the every day absence of these sweet gestures has had great impact. They say, “Hindsight is 20/20,” and they’d be right. I value now, more than ever, the contributions–large and small–that my husband made in our marriage.

All that said, I would pay exorbitant amounts of greenbacks for someone to:

–Take out the damn garbage!

–Fetch me a latte, or barring that, donut flavored coffee from my Keurig, and deliver it to me in bed.

–Help me unload groceries from the car.

–Attend a movie with me so it’s not just me and my pathetic widda self shoveling in handfuls of buttery popcorn in between sobs, as going to the movies solo blows!

–Pick up takeout on nights when I don’t feel inspired (or have the impetus) to cook.

That’s the short list. What do we think, shall I check out–say– a cabana boy on craigslist??

Lol. Nooo. I don’t think I’m “there” yet….?

Not that I’ve ruled that out. Ahem.

Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.–Ephesians 4:32



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